As always, I find the concept of time rather overwhelming as it seems I've only blinked once and I'm sat here spending my Sunday wandering how on earth I can even gather together the events of my last year.
In a way, I'm a little gormless and empty minded, yet on the other hand I know exactly what I want to write down, so forgive me if I ramble on or perhaps don't make sense at all...it's still all very surprising to me.
Although, I shouldn't have really considered it, in the last weeks of 2015 I began spending my last days thinking 'How should I describe this past year?', A lot of my friends will be relating to events that occured but forgive me whilst I may possibly let you down...on the physical topic, I haven't really done much.
But I am here to say that the greatest adventure sometimes doesn't involve moving your feet, it involves moving your mind.
For the first time, I will describe my last year by using a word which seems almost untrue: alive.
I will say if any one who doesn't know me reads that very sentence, it might not make the greatest deal of sense, but I will be honest, I don't intend on using my time to explain it to you.
My very point is, for the first time in my life I've spent my days actually living and felt more present then I ever have; those around me have clearly noticed quite the shift in my aura and my own father complimented that this is the best I have been since the day I was born and if that isn't something, then I honestly don't know what is.
It's quite alarming for me to over-look my every movement and not remember the days where I could barely sleep, or when my nights were spent with my earphones delved into my brain, in hope the screaming in my head would stop; or perhaps maybe for the first time in weeks, my body would actually fall asleep.
I know for some, it would be rather barbaric to look upon their darkest moments but for me, I do it with such kindness because it will forever mark my improvement; I am here now, sleeping in my own bed, the same as I slept in before and I'm having my body properly rest.
It's so stupid sometimes to think of, I even laugh myself but I do it because I'm so damn glad.
It's been over a year of not having my own anxiety wake me up in the morning or dominate the mirror, or dress the street and still, I feel my mind tell me that I've become so free and I mention this often, more to others then myself because I would like to convince those that time does take forever but it is manageable and you can defy it.
With this year, I have felt more in my body then I have before and I have dominated so many aspects, challenges that it causes me to almost weep loudly; however I don't want to convince any one I'm out of the woods, I never want to fool myself that I am because the truth is, the woods is a rather wonderful place to be, you just have to look at it rather differently.
I've found my time is better to be looked at individually, rather then whole and it's more significant to identify myself with my own body, rather then others.
I have entered this year with emotions that I never thought I would be capable of conjuring and it is only I that has managed it, which gives me such happiness it's rather ridiculous.
On that note, I will leave you all with a quote that lifts my spirits rather high: From now on we live in a world where a man landed on the moon. It isn't a miracle, we just decided to go.
Happy New Year Animals.
x
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