I know I'm going to be ok.
These words aren't anything to any one and they aren't supposed to be but here, I am informing you that: they are my everything.
A phrase such as this is said perhaps every single day, to every individual, but I still feel they aren't announced with the correct amount of sincere love and human affection.
I won't lie to you; roughly a year ago (or maybe not even that,) if some one repeated those nasty words to me, I plainly laughed in their face and sauntered away. It was a joke to me! Am I going to be ok? Don't be bloody barbaric.
Yet, something happened.
It was with sudden surprise, that when I arrived at my next doctor's appointment, I wasn't afraid as I used to be.
I found it alarming that approaching people I once knew, didn't bother me as much it should have.
I saw it to be frightening that I fell to my normal, real and vibrant self and started to dance around in public without a sheer inch of anxiety dancing through my veins.
I then began to realise that suddenly, I didn't want to stay inside any more, or if I did, that it was actually ok and it wasn't a bad thing.
I don't want to convince any one (mostly myself) that I've achieved full recovery because that's a lie, I haven't, not even in the slightest, but I have achieved something: stability and some form of certainty.
No doubt, the worst thing about any difficult situation is the sudden change of perception about time: It becomes the enemy.
With greater difficulties, pain becomes more evident and time is seen to be prolonged and then in an instant, you can't bear to be in time itself.
To greaten my level of honesty, I've battled with the sourness of Mental Health since I was 12 years old and here I am, almost at the age off 22 and some how, I finally found the words: I'm know I'm going to be ok.
The phrase: It takes time, doesn't ever go amiss when ever dealing with something severe but a problem that raises within it is that: it isn't said enough. That's the plain truth.
However, it was only until a couple of weeks ago when I finally begun my CBT, that my helper said ''It isn't just going to happen; you'll get bad again, but that's expected."
He was the only person to have said it to me.
The previous most alarming set of words delivered to me was: 'You did that all on your own? Well done, you're incredible.'
It rattles me because a lot of humans: Parents, Sisters, Brothers, Aunts and Uncle mostly pass by the simple things in life, when truthfully, it's the small things which truly save us.
Here's a list of little things to celebrate:
Pressing the green button on the first phone call you ever make. (No matter who it is to.)
That little walk (or drive) you make to the doctors every couple of weeks and then, the fearful wait between seeing your doctor and sitting on your chair.
Staring at yourself in the mirror when your insides are knotted together.
Posting a picture of yourself on some type of social media. (No you shan't be sick!)
Agreeing to go out.
Putting on those pair of jeans.
Waking up and feeling ok.
At the time these moments arrive, they don't ever feel enough...in fact, they feel like a chore and a pain in the fucking arse, but little do you know, instead of it being a small little stepping stone, it became you climbing onto a plane, where you slowly start to tighten your parachute sack on your back.
Again, I bring back around the word: Time.
The worst battle to face in my opinion is above all those great difficulties your trying to swallow, time is the one that makes you realise that whilst every body is suddenly going so fast, you're still stood in your drive, trying to hold the car keys! (Never mind getting into the sodding thing!)
This is what hurt me the worst.
I had suffered a long time and I still was/am, yet somehow those who were around me (even those who were there when I experienced said bad event) no longer had the patience or knowledge to understand the consequences.
1) That person has a job, why don't I have a job?
2) This person always goes out, I wish I was capable of doing that.
3) My friend has passed her theory test and now has passed her driving test, why can't I?
With very slow realisation, I saw that my obsession and care with everybody else's journey and achievement, only ruined my own.
It's here that I bring in a dear friend of mine: Kelsey, and she is the greatest handful of sunshine I have been graced with, because she made me realise that time, didn't play nicely with others either.
We have always delivered the words with certain bitterness 'It's a shame we connect this way but it's not really a shame at all.'
We both easily wiped away the bitterness with our bloody hands because we gave each other something wonderful: Comfort.
It was only with our first and second greeting that loneliness now didn't seem so bad at all because we had each other.
To others it may seem a little frightening but small connections, drew bigger networks and both her and I know, the small things save every one. Not to mention, true planets of chaos create chemical reactions which form our worlds; metaphorically speaking, we might be a science project on the verge of discovery and even if our minds as well others choose to stereotype us and label us, we know were going to create something worthwhile in the end.
And now, that brings me back to the title: I know I'm going to be ok, because I found comfort and stability, and Kelsey has helped bring some of that.
So I know she's going to be ok too.
to kelsey, x
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