It certainly comes without saying that since an event took place 4 years ago this very month, I haven't yet been capable of enjoying christmas thoroughly. For many, christmas may be seen as the month for joy and family, yet for myself, it is only seen as negative and a place to hold pain.
I do constantly feel bitter that sometimes I am not capable of emitting the same joy and happiness as others, but sometimes the deal is too great follow through with.
It is my goal to be able to live through the season without feeling a tad amount of remorse but I know for now, I spend my time almost pitying myself because of the emotions I feel. However now, I only look at the amount of change of which I have gone through; it is has been hell in all honesty and I see it as nothing more.
My speech has changed, the way I write has evolved, my brain process still gets stuck and my brain is most definitely still repairing and it will be for many years.
I am reminded way too often that I am damaged and it is a great thing to handle, which I don't dare explain to any one anymore.
The only miracle I wish for this christmas is having the capability of telling myself that my new normal is perfectly wonderful.
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