Depression, Do you want to understand?

It often contains curiosity: depression, that being because many don’t know what it is, they don’t understand and they are misunderstood. But what the saddest thing about depression is, not knowing what it felt like to be happy before, which to be honest when read, it sounds stupid because of course, those words are expected.

How ever when I’m asked for an explanation, I only reply with ‘why do you even want to know’… Because really why do you? Who on earth wants to know how it feels to loose a loved one? Who wants to know what it feels like to a have a gun pulled to your head knowing your finger is the one behind the trigger? Who on earth wants to know what it’s like to live without no money, no food or no water?
That’s the truth those isn’t it? Who the fuck wants to know how it really feels.

You want to know so you have a comparison, you want to know so you can feel better about what you have and what you feel, but that conclusion is not wrong, it is not incorrect to feel that way or see it that way because you’re lucky.

People think people should be happy because we are fortunate, because we are born into an environment where we have been lucky enough to be given to people who give things back, such things which help give us a better lifestyle.

But knowing other people think such things also makes the aspect of having depression worse because we are born into a place where things aren’t so bad, but we see worse things and that’s what makes some people feel shitty about knowing what they have. Depression.

Remove your stigma, remove your stupid fucking idea that every one should be happy because of where we have been born because being given everything does not result in happiness: money, gifts, people, friends, family… For one person in the world all of that does not make them happy.

Now that is pain: to feel so lucky yet feel so incredibly sad.

I’m going to be honest; you will never know how it feels ever and you shouldn’t. If you don’t know, keep it that way, don’t ever ask, don’t even contemplate the possibility of questioning some one about it.

My self and another person will suffer sadness but how we deteriorate is entirely different.

Things begin to fade. The easiest of things begin to be a chore. Things which were once so easy have now become so difficult. Fears arise and suddenly your so angry at everyone and everything. Later on you’re so emotional and angry you’re not even sure how to escape it, escape your self. Then you start to run even though you’re not being chased. You begin to not do things because satisfaction for others lies within them and it is so much easier to not do anything, then to do it and know you’re a disappointment. 

You’re suddenly so poisonous, you’re an enemy, you’re nothing, you’re just human meat and suddenly, you begin to forget emotions. You forget reasons, you forget goals, you forget your family, you forget promises and then eventually, you’re contemplating your existence, to the point you force yourself to stay in bed because no one will miss you that day.

When you reach such a level, you do not feel as if you’re a purpose anymore, or maybe you didn’t feel you were before but you’re contemplating it right now.

When you’re next angry at the fact your train has stopped due to someone jumping in front of the train or maybe a traffic jam has formed because somebody has jumped of a bridge, tell me right now, do you honestly blame them?