Dear Anonymous

It comes without saying that the word routine is buried into my head.
It comes without saying that I switch of my ears when my mother screams at me about my alcohol use.
It comes without saying that I get tired at looking at four white walls, whilst an antiseptic stench crashes into my nose.
It comes without saying that I feel useless as the same day passes over my eyes, again and again.

I cannot begin to fathom the amount I utterly detest myself as I realise that so many others do not live in what I have lived for so long.
I cannot begin to fathom the amount of trips I have to take to the pharmacy, to come out with my hands full.

I live in a mess that I felt not so long ago I had gotten myself out but as time passes on, I notice I have only created a much larger one. 3 years he says, 3 years and you still ponder in the mess that should have vanished long ago. I'm so worried for you, he expresses whilst folding his arms, as he documents my movements.
I feel as if my mind is so lost in numbness that each month I visit you, I can't help but tell him nonsense, just so I can leave and wait again for my next return.

What is it that I am in? Even I'm beginning to not know - I'm lost in my own routine, lost in my own mess which has slowly driven me insane and I begin to lie with a white smile, that I'm not even certain I know that I'm doing.
My head knows it well, it knows everything so well that I do not even need to say 'lift up and lie'. My body just seems to do things subconsciously, it does them willingly and I begin to wonder how easy it would be to end me.

I am so tired anonymous, I am so tired... should I just sleep anonymous? sleep till our world ends and the earth obliterates, meaning I have nothing else to do but die?

I need help anonymous, so much help.