Entry #4: Viewpoints.

Family and friends do halt your recovery.

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It’s with slow time that I’m beginning to realize, people have always perceived me to be this happy, go lucky person because of the vibrancy I deliver with my attitude; evidently, that faded away when it all got too much and so suddenly, the reality of me faded into nothing and was replaced by a person who couldn’t be bothered to lie anymore.

Now because I’ve been honest for so long, people have this tendency to talk to me, but not about me to me; I suffer an on going problem where people will ask my mother or brother about my experiences, but they will never ask me, and I’ll be honest: It really fucking angers me.

When you have been a certain way for a long time, people tend to treat you as if your this fragile glass doll and people are unaware of it, but what isn’t realised is your actions do a lot of damage.

For a while, I didn’t notice these actions mainly because I wasn’t seeing very clearly, but out of 100% it helps 25% and the rest is all excruciatingly negative; when your at a pinnacle point in your recovery, you don’t know whether or not your shaping yourself or your allowing others to shape YOU.

After a while of been stuck in that same routine which hovered around me, I started to do things which mainly my parents didn't expect me to do, but more so I'm starting to feel more human because for once, I was breaking that mould which others perceived me to be.

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I’ve had my mother tell me before that she was getting a little tired of people asking her ‘What was this about?’ which usually pointed to me; I openly admit about my failures and successes, there a huge part of me and for a while, struggling and tragedy was a great part of me, but now I’m ultimately suffering and fighting at the same time, however I do not let this defy me.

When I admit this, specifically in public or perhaps in a place where people can openly view it, my mother will reply ‘I don’t like telling people what’s happened.’

My answer was simple ‘Well then don’t; there is nothing about the situation which involves you needing to state an answer or a reason.’

Admitting to being sad suddenly whether it is on a social network or not, people suddenly react by going ‘Why would you do that? You don’t need to tell people that.’

My question is ‘Why not?’

It’s frustrating how when you openly state your happiness, people will come dancing towards you, yet as soon as a pinch of sadness is seen, every body runs away.

I noticed not so long ago that my successes were shunned because other peoples knowledge regarding/perceiving them would create a problem, yet some how this some one else became my problem.

A note for any one: I am only in control of what I say, NOT HOW YOU PERCIEVE IT.

I have spent years in silence and struggle, so if I succeed and want to be open about it, I fucking goddamn will do.

In life there are so many people who will deprive you of being human and if for a second, you feel your sense of self being rid off: Stand your ground.