I had to be honest, yesterday evening was very simple because I don't have much energy these days when it comes to the evenings, so easily, I celebrated the matter at home.
One thought that came into my mind was how this new year may fall out, which in all honesty, hasn't happened before, due to me being so focused on 'now.'
It's very predictable for many that when we sit and ponder about what we plan to do in the new year, it's most likely going to be a small halcyon period, before we return back to our old ways, but upon the ending of last year, I felt something different bubble within me: determination.
I noticed that half of last year, my goals turned out to be very large and hopeful, yet no actions were made in achieving them and then a couple of days later, I found I would beat myself up. However this year, I'm most certain to change myself.
I can't tell you how long I have sat in anger about the fact my illness or my insecurities have driven me to constantly staying inside, yet somehow when I do gain the strength to do more, I do nothing about it... and quite frankly, I'm tired of my procrastination.
For this year, I've decided to finally create a brand new set of goals, that I will most definitely stick to:
1. Focus On My To - Do Lists: One activity that I did only once or twice last year, was spend the evenings writing down a list of things that needed to be done the next day and I would most likely do this if I was experiencing a particular low. What I found the next day was utter relief and some of my agitation simmered beautifully. I now desire to do this throughout this year, multiple times.
2. Stop Feeling Guilty: In order to improve myself last year, I had to shed a great number of people because truthfully, I felt they were pinning me down, however I felt a wonderful pang of guilt in the bottom of my stomach whilst doing so. More often then not, I will always put others before me but on the odd occasion, I would have to put myself first, yet I hated it, but this action made my mental health suffer. This year, I shall prove to myself I matter.
3. Frighten Yourself A Little: By this I don't mean scare yourself to the point your adrenalin is so high you faint, with this I simply mean I want to challenge myself a little. I have limited myself for a great number of years now, due to my mental illness and my insecurities, yet I find that I want to be a lot more adventurous.
I know initially the first time will be most definitely be the hardest but once the first hurdle has been conjured, it's more then likely, I'll do the rest with ease.
4. Travel More: From a young age, travelling has been one of my favourite things, whether it is in the car or on a plane and I have been utterly blessed to have been given the opportunities to travel to some of the most beautiful places. However, I don't just want to stop there.
I constantly wish to visit places: Amsterdam, Italy, New Zealand, South Africa and so much more. I had even spent the majority of last year trying to convince myself to go to Amsterdam, yet it never happened. But this year, I will be certain to make it happen.
5. Kick My Mental Health To The Curb: I have been tired of my moods, I have been tired of my lack of motivation, I have been tired of sleepless nights, I have been tired of holding my mouth shut and lastly, I'm tired of wanting to do something about it but doing nothing. Towards the end of 2014, I found myself wanting to do things more then ever, but instantly I knew my illness would pin me down but for the first time, I felt anger towards it. I sincerely didn't want it to. Anymore.
This year I am more determined then ever, to not back down. I really want to finally get rid of this son of bitch for good.
I control me, nothing else.
6. Accept yourself, You're Loved The Way You Are: I have spent the majority of my life, trying to evolve myself instead of just developing; I have never been comfortable with what my body has given me. The truth is, it's completely exhausting and currently, I have hit my limit.
For the first time this year, I was told I should stay how I was because people enjoyed me that way and I felt utterly liberated by those words.
Personally, some changes are not worth trying for.
Happy New Year Monkies x
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